I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize