i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
