When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
