He is like the real live version of the state fair..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
