I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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