You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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