Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
