when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
