He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize