I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
