I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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