You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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