Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
