she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
