U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
