not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
