and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
