My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
