I can text with my tongue
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
