I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
