I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
