I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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