All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
