Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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