Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
