Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
