So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
