Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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