Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
