Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
so much tequila, so little girl.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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