Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just want nice things and good sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
