My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
