this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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