so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize