two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
