if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
