i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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