I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
