Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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