Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
