Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
