What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
