Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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