have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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