I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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