it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
