i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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