Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
