Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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