I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
