I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize