dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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